Jealous Men: A Disaster Waiting to Happen

by Sasha Smartt, for Woman to Woman              

 Bookmark and Share             

 So your boyfriend or husband is jealous over you, and you feel nice about it, right? You think he loves you so much to the point of jealousy. Get this. Jealousy is not a sign of love and genuine attention. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. And hey, that’s not cute. Rather, it can be a disaster waiting to happen!              



The jealousy can be overt, clearly displayed, or covert, subtly held by your partner. I don’t know which one is “better” or “worse”, in fact, none is. The difference though is that where jealously is clearly displayed by your partner, you are in a position to control it by removing yourself from the relationship. On the contrary, if he is jealous but hides it, that’s even more dangerous because he may just lash out at you at anytime without warning, because of something you said or did that he perceives as interfering with your relationship or his sense of security.                

What kind of men are jealous?              

Any type of man can be jealous, be it an educated, intelligent, high-status man or a guy with a regular nine to five who may have dropped out of high school or never attended college. So jealousy is not really stereotypical. However, men with low self-esteem and sense of self-worth are usually candidates of jealous nature.              

Gimme a little bit o’ jealousy              

It has been said, “A little jealousy, ironically can go along way. Women (and men) like being loved and wanted and a secure arm round the waist drawing you in can be great fun. Small amounts of jealousy (very small in a playful way) can be attractive and sexy. But its knowing when things have gone too far that matters. Many women have admitted to me that a man who has not a single jealous bone in his body cannot really love her. A man needs to show he cares by drawing her in occasionally. Both parties feel good from this. But it has to be kept under control.”  (              

Jealousy as an early sign of abuse              

Jealousy is an early sign of possible abusive tendencies in your partner. I must however make it clear that not all abusive people are jealous in nature nor are all jealous people necessarily abusive. More than that though, jealousy can be an early indicator of the potential for abusive by your partner.              

“At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you’ll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you.” (              

In addition, he may question why you’re always on the phone, or the computer, ask who you’re talking to or pass by to sneak a peek at what you’re doing, of course by making it look like he’s coming to peck you on the cheek or rub your shoulders. If you take your engagement or wedding ring off, he will notice that and ask about it, especially if you accidentally left home without wearing them.                

Jealousy may lead to or include controlling behavior by your partner, which is another sign of the potential for abuse. With the jealousy, controlling and possessive behavior, your man will gradually isolate you from all your friends and family, because he always wants no one else but him to be around you.              

“It might be cute at first, but trust me, this could end up with a crisis situation where you end up trapped in a relationship because you have no-one to turn to – having been isolated from your friends because your man didn’t want you out socializing without him.  He’ll have convinced you that going out with them, girls who are only out looking for men, means that you don’t care about him.  Because you care about him, you’ll stop going out with them. He’ll separate you from your circle of friends, even family, and your contact with people other than him will become increasingly restricted.” (              

Not only do you stand to lose your support groups but you can end up losing your self-confidence and self-esteem in the process.              

It is a fact that many abused and battered women have reported that, at the outset of their relationships, their men were jealous and overly attentive to what they did. Because many women confuse jealousy with love, they may end up trapped in abusive relationships long before they know it.              

“At any sign that your man is trying to restrict your social activity, or time you spend with friends and family, question his motives. And if it appears that he is displaying possessive and/or jealous behavior, take steps to stop this situation evolving. You need to seriously consider whether or not your relationship with him is worth it. Losing your right to socialize with whom you choose, your freedom and ultimately, your self-respect, is a price you should not be willing to pay in any relationship.” (              

So hey woman, watch out for those jealous kind of guys and save yourself from potential abuse!            


You may LIKE:      

How to Spot and Abuser      

TAKE THE JEALOUSY TEST:  For MEN only, click on link (external) below       

About these ads

Posted on October 3, 2010, in Abuse & Battery, All Publications, Dating & Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Securely Bonded

    I took that test on your site concerning jealousy and scored a 15 out of 100, which mean that I may care for my mate but know that if she leaves me there are other fish in the sea. This is so accurate. I am in Atlanta where you see an extremely attractive woman every fifteen minutes, so moving on is not a problem in the A-town. I have dated an extremely jealous woman and it boggles my mind that such an intelligent woman would think that a man would find jealousy to be attractive. C’mon ladies–all this says to a man is “start working on the NEXT”. I don’t know about most men but I am turned on by a woman who will leave my ass if I mess up, becuase she has high self-esteem.

    • I live in Atlanta too and yes, I’ve experienced jealous, insecure guys and dated an insecure one too. If they see you talk to other guys, they automatically assume you’re a female player or slut. And they hate it when girls look and dress their best just like in What Not To Wear on TLC for example. I notice they prefer girls that are not as well-dressed and classy.

  2. PROBLEM: My husband has always had a bit of a problem about my past, because I had guys before him. I always thought, well, what’s the deal, it’s not like you were a virgin. well, after 10 years I found out he actually was one. I am happy that he finally trusts me enough to admit it, even though i will never completely understand why he kept it a secret for so long. However, it does not
    change the fact that he gets sometimes jealous about my time before him. We both know I can’t change that and that he was aware of my past when we got together. Most of the time everything is all right, but sometimes it isn’t, and then our life turns into an emotional hell. He will hurt my feelings with little snide remarks and then just ignore me. Unfortunately, when I am in emotional pain, my whole body hurts, so I can’t even function properly then, and 3 kids don’t help that either.

    So, what could we try to get that weird jealousy under control?

    This is a much more common problem than you might believe. In very severe cases this might fulfill the diagnostic criteria of a psychiatric disorder such as a delusional disorder or pathological jealousy. We cannot make an online diagnosis but we do not think your problem is a distinct psychiatric disorder but more or less an adjustment problem. Nevertheless you and your
    husband deserve help.

    Handling the relation with a jealous husband

    If your husband feels insecure and is afraid that the other men were better than him: remind him that those relationships were in the past, and that you are with him NOW, in the present. He is being irrational; he needs to see the difference between past and present. A psychotherapist might be able to help him overcome this, if he will agree to going to psychotherapy. You might also try giving him so much appreciation and affection as you can, in order to make him more secure.
    Perhaps it can help you to see his vicious statements as his problem and not take them personally. He is being unreasonable.

    Many men normally swing between being warm and loving and being cold and without feelings. If your husband ignores you, try to keep out of his way and do something on your own. Call a female friend, go out with girl friends, work, or do something else which interests you. When a husband is cold and withdrawn, he has nothing to give to his partner and is of no value to her. It is better, in such a case, to create distance and wait until he becomes warm and available again. This is his problem not yours. Wait till he improves his behavior.

    Thus let him be and let him do his tasks, until he begins to long for you and comes to you. That way, you will see
    his best sides. If you are strong and happy, you will be able to take his viciousness better than if you are emotionally vulnerable. Always go your way, when he is vicious. Say “I don’t want to hear this”. Flee to another room, or go out shopping, or anything else where your husband cannot reach you. Get him out of your mind. Even talking to other men will distract your thoughts away from him.

    Treatment with medicine:

    If the problem gets severe, and psychotherapy does not help, you might consider medicines. Medicines such as Fontex, Prozac, and Fluoxetine injections (SSRI medicines) as well as anti-psychotic medicines are effective against irrational jealousy. Ask his doctor about this. Best is to discuss this with a psychiatrist in private and talk about behavior modification with injection therapy, as they know more about these medicines than a family doctor (general practitioner). If normal dosage does not help, his doctor may prescribe a higher than normal dosage to get the desired effect. Injections given to jealous husbands have helped many women. If he refuses the injections tell him he has no choice as you might consider alternatives to staying with him or have him committed to a psychiatric hospital for a short period of 2-3 weeks. Talk to your female friends about his condition in such a way that he knows about that. When he knows that others know about his jealousy, his behavior may change.

    If the chosen SSRI medicine has side effects, his doctor may try other such medications. In particular, many such
    medicines may reduce sexual desire and ability to have an ejaculation. However you may not want to sleep with him anyway when he is jealous. Wait until his behavior improves before giving him your attention. If the jealousy does not improve, Other medicines of similar types may be tried. Talk to his doctor who may even start short courses of ECT or another medicine.

    If nothing works, it is dangerous to stay with a jealous husband and you might consider dating other men and leaving him.

    Good luck honey, and remember, you are most important. He may be treatable but if not you have to look out for yourself.
    There are other fish in the sea.

    Dr Sophie, MD

  3. And if you look at other men in front of him, it’s just as bad or worse.

  4. I have just started to realize that some men are jealous OF women–like being jealous of the fact that it is usually easier for a woman to get a mate–things of this nature. A lot men that I’ve known where the relationship all went wrong (both friendships and romantic relationships), I can now see that there was some sort of weird competitiveness there from the beginning, like the way a young boy is jealous of the attentions paid to an older sister, or the advantages that are enjoyed by an older sister. I have also noticed men being very jealous of my relationships with their women, as if I was going to try to take the woman away from them (I’m perfectly straight and very happily married). My last experience of this was flat-out bizzare, where the man was monitoring all of our emails, and forbid her to see me in person without him for lunch, even though she was disabled, had no money of her own, and was totally dependant on him for everything she had–it was like he thought I was going to talk her out of being with him, which was rediculous, because I would have never wanted to do that in the first place–for her sake. There are too many jealous men, and it seems to me that the ones who can’t handle anything, who see life as one big competition, are getting more numerous.

  5. It’s exactly what I went through with a guy I dated for four years. After a year apart, he called me up and said he had been getting help and that we was better. I believed him, now after 3 years back together, I finally left for good. He never really changed, he didn’t continue getting the help he claimed he did prior. I talked with a psychologist about jealousy issues. She said its extremely difficult to stop the behavior unless they get help for YEARS and get on medication. He did neither. She told me it is always a better choice to leave and she has yet to see anyone truly overcome jealousy issues in their relationships. Majority of people do not get the help and stick with a program. It is one of the hardest things to overcome. he said to me that he is a wonderful man and was really good to me. I wish he could of been, but now he has regressed worse than ever, in complete denial. The last thing I said to him, he had no right to come into my life under false pretenses. He never was healthy enough to be in a relationship and its sickening to know he just doesn’t care enough to get better for himself and for whoever he decides to victimize in the future. He plays the game brilliantly and without any indication at the beginning. When your hopelessly in love with the FAKE facade that they portray, that’s when the demands of not wearing any shirts with any scoop neck, no bathing suits ever, don’t look in any direction of another man ever even by accident and get rid of your social circle. I was dumb enough to not understand cause he showered me with love poems and that he was hopelessly in love with me. Needless to say, it took four years too leave and this time I told him he was a sick sadistic person and needs to be true to himself and others and stop playing the games. He always had stories justifying his ex girlfriends and how crazy they were. No sh•• Sherlock cause of YOU! Yes I left a crazy impression on him, cursed him And told him take a hike It felt good to let out four years of frustration. Towards the end, i felt the love i had for him disappear slowly and i wasnt attracted to him anymore. so anyone in this situation, eventually they will turn you off and you will carry no torch for them. You will eventually get there, don’t lose hope.

    • extreme jealousy is a person who has abuse, control issues. It is never going to be a healthy relationship so if you decide from the first indication that your entering a relationship with a jealous person save yourself and leave. Eventually u will have to leave to escape the prison they will put you In. I been there and wished wholeheartedly I left from the beginning stages of the sick mental games. Ugh I can’t believe I wasted my life with him. There is soon many better opportunities with others. I am so excited to be free and smile and laugh everyday without him. Best part I don’t have to be interrogated over stupid, stupid stuff daily!!

  6. My husband constantly accuses me of cheating with other man. In his eyes I flirt and try to get intimate with every man I meet .. With coworkers, clients, even family friends . When he is jealous he says very hurtful things and call me names….I don’t know what to do.
    I love him but his accusations are destroying our relationship

    • I guess you must be Russian or Eastern European as well as your husband. Yup, those men are extremely jealous like North American men. And they’re very possessive too. Any foreign man, especially North American, who talks to women in Russia or Eastern Europe gets beaten up real easily, especially when there’s a lot of men and fewer women in those countries.

  7. Incredible points. Оutstanding arguments. Keepp
    up the amazing work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 70 other followers

%d bloggers like this: