An Exclusive By Stephanie Tru, Contributor for Woman to Woman (Last edited, November, 10, 2010)
There is a plethora of articles, YouTube videos, and radio shows discussing the issues of The Single Black Woman. This might seem like a late entry into the conversation but the real issues are being ignored, while the popular stereotypes, like all black men are gay, in jail, or have no job as well as black women have attitudes, wear weave, and have too many children out of wedlock, are being used. I like to sit back and observe before I speak on a subject, and it’s time that the real discussion begins. Never once on these specials and radio shows have I heard them promoting self-reflection and accountability. It’s just a lot of useless rhetoric and statistics that are then hyped by the main stream media.
Of course, with these stats come validity but it doesn’t help us to understand the how-to-fix the problems. We have babies raising babies, men not in the home, verbal and sexual abuse going on, and many more events that have caused pain within the black community. These occurrences defiantly contribute to decline in happily wedded black women, or hell, even coupled up ones. I could go on and on about all the reasons why the black family is suffering like the affects of slavery that are still plaguing blacks, or the high number of black men incarcerated by the age of 25 for non-violent crimes. But this isn’t that day, so this won’t be that article.
Today I’ll speak on some of the top things I hear from black men, as well as women around the country, as to why so many black women are single, and what they can do about it. For the women’s side, the biggest issues that most with a platform don’t address is lack of self- reflecting and examination, promiscuity, priorities, respectability, and not being emotionally open for love.
Let’s break this down a bit.
In today’s society, there is an increase in single black mothers, emotionally damaged women, and sexually transmitted diseases. The direct root of this problem is all the casual sex going on. Now many will say that it’s just sex and, because they are grown and use a condom, there’s nothing wrong with having multiple sex partners. If this is you, then you’ve successfully avoided the disease and pregnancy route, but what about emotional availability and respectability? If a woman is having sex with a man who is not committed to her, the likelihood of her being emotionally scared, played, becoming his jump–off and so on is great. On the contrary, if she was only having sex with one man who actually committed to her, or she was married, the issues she would face due to sex would be less. There are those situations where boy meets girl, sex happens on a first date, and they go on to be married for 50 years. But this is not the norm, so masses shouldn’t follow that example as a blueprint. Just because your homegirl did it and it worked for her that doesn’t mean it will work for you. If a woman doesn’t respect her body enough to only give it to a person who she knows well, and is committed to, then it doesn’t send a good impression to future suitors.
No matter what’s being said by friends down the block, family, and co workers are single and frustrated about it themselves. You must understand that men usually don’t take a woman seriously whom they perceive as promiscuous. Sure this could be confusing because as a woman I’ve been out and watched the guys hoot and holler over the girl in the stripper shoes dressed scantily clad, but they have only a few things on their minds and it doesn’t include making her their wife.
Grown adults can do whatever they like, and as long as you practice safe sex I don’t really have a gripe. However, if you’re a woman who wants something serious like a husband and family some day, you must think for the future, and the way you handle yourself sexually needs to be thought through with care and logic. Keep your eye on the prize.
I see a lot of woman dressing like strippers just to go to the grocery store, fighting and cursing in public, and so on. I’m nobody to judge them. However this type of behavior does cause me to raise an eyebrow and bow my head in embarrassment. I, for the most part, assume they are suffering from low self esteem, and they must feel that in order to be noticed by others, especially the opposite sex, they must use their bodies as a means of getting attention. How do they attempt to get it? By having their chest and behind hanging out, clothes extremely tight, faces full of makeup, and other tactics. If this is the case then some definite self-reflecting, which I’ll mention next, is in order. Women have to remember that if a man doesn’t see a woman as being respectable, whatever that means to him, he’s probably not going to pursue a serious relationship with her. There will be late night texting, random sex on the weekends, and blockbuster dates in the house but no meeting the work colleagues, grandma, and most certainly, no meeting friends.
If he can’t envision that woman sitting across from his parents at thanksgiving, it’s a wrap. Respectability goes along with promiscuity. No matter what movement comes along and what the ladies of “Sex and the City” do, double standards do exist and probably won’t go away any time soon. Fair or not, women will not be able to have sex with any and everyone, dress inappropriate, and do and say whatever they want, if they expect to be taken seriously. A woman should always respect herself and not just for the purposes of getting a man but because she knows she’s worth it.
The truest ways to understand any issue you’re having in your life is to first look within and determine if there is anything that needs to be addressed and then get to work. Many women go out looking for physically fit men with model physiques yet they are over weight and haven’t seen a gym in years. They want the educated guy with the master’s degree and who can carry on an engaging conversation, yet they can’t name for you the last book they read that wasn’t a celebrity biography. They want someone to support their dreams and aspirations but have a history of leaving their relationships as soon as the going gets rough, and only go for men once they reached success. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself but you have to bring the best as well. There no senses in looking for Mr. Wonderful if you’re just Ms. Average. This is not to diminish the successful women who have great jobs, money in the bank, own their own home, and stay in the gym. It takes some determination and discipline to keep your life together so that’s to be commended. However, there are other things that make up a good woman and they don’t involve money or sexual skill, as I hear so many women use as their claim to fame.
The hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and take accountability for the things one is going through and attracting in ones life but its necessary if a different outcome is to occur. I know I’m on a bit of a soap box here but I’m a life coach and can’t help myself. I hear from men and women on the subject daily and I get a lot of people looking for things they themselves don’t possess. In the 1950s, women weren’t worrying about being single forever and the majority didn’t have college educations or corporate jobs. There were fundamental things that made them a catch and we as women need to get back to the basics. I’m not saying to quit your job and go make a pie barefoot in the kitchen but some of the things that kept grandma and grandpa together for 40 years hold true today and are still needed to facilitate finding a mate, and having a relationship that will stand the test of time.
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Tru’s Website: www.stephanietru.com