written by Zoe Mendez, Contributor for Woman to Woman
Last edited by D. A. Mc Almont, November 18, 2010
“The fear of not being accepted can imprison a person; it causes one to do things they would normally not consider just so they could fit in and be a part of the crowd. In the end the only one who gets hurt is self.”
The very thought of the word “rejection” causes me to cringe on the inside. Dealing with, and getting over, rejection is a battle even for the strongest. It has nothing to do with the ego, there are times when it takes all the strength and courage one can muster from the depths of your being to pick yourself up and move on, after being dealt a blow from rejection.
I have experienced rejection from every area in my life. Most of the times, the people we love and care about are usually the ones who hurt us the most. Though not intentional, it still takes great deal of understanding and strength to pick yourself up and move along.
My son, for example, who is now almost an adult and who recently went off to College, is my most recent experience with rejection. It has been our custom to speak with each other often, almost every day. It was very difficult for me at first to accept the change in our relationship. I felt rejected when it took him days to reach out to let me know that he was okay. He was comfortable making an excuse for not calling me on my birthday. This hit me like a ton of bricks; my only child treated me like if I were an outcast. It took a good talking from some of my male friends for me to unwind from this blow. They insisted that it was time to cut my son some slack. My son is no longer a child, he is a man, an adult proudly embracing his own path to a very promising future. I have already, more or less, done my part and it is time for me to let go, of course letting him know that I would always be there for him in event that he may need me.
It does not matter how strong you are, how good looking and attractive you may be or how high your self-esteem is, at some point in your life you would have had your run in with this monster called “rejection”. It can cripple and destroy you if left unchecked. When our hearts are involved it somehow seems to hit us the hardest. It is even more difficult when it comes from a place where we expect it the least. There are times when we find ourselves in situations that we have no clue how we have gotten there in the first place. It seems as though we are attracted to people who are sometimes oblivious to our existence and the way we feel. Yet we get hooked, and the need to be and feel wanted overwhelms all sense of reasoning.
I could remember vividly being a traumatized victim of rejection many years ago, though I have let it go, I still remember clearly how it felt. We thoroughly enjoyed each others company, we spent a lot of time together, having fun, talking and listening to each other. I really thought not only was I super special, but felt that I was loved more than life itself. Today I still question the details of the events that led to him parting the way we did. There was no major issue, no quarrel, no misunderstanding, we had plans for a future together.
The last time we saw each other we celebrated my birthday on a very romantic island. He was the first man I met that complimented everything about me. We thought we were perfect for each other. I was on a high. Then the unthinkable happened, without a warning he disappeared, changed his number, no response to my emails; we went from speaking several times a day to never, this had me confused and totally freaked out. I felt as though someone slammed me into a wall, though I have no idea how this physically feels but at the time it felt that way to me as it hurt like hell. The man of my dreams was gone and I had no idea why I was not given an explanation, excuses, nothing. It was as if everything we had experienced all the uncanny events that led us to the bond we shared up to that point was a lie.
I tried to come up with all the reasons as to why I felt the devastation of being rejected. Weeks had gone by before he reached out, I eventually found out from him that he had moved on with someone else, and how unpleasant life decisions could be bla, bla, bla; this information was not willingly volunteered, wisdom lead me to ask all the right questions. I never fully understood why he chose the cowardly way out, instead of the truth I got enough excuses to last me a life time. Poor fella, in the end I felt sorry for him, he was my hero and I no longer saw him in the same light. Maybe I was the only one who thought we were friends. I expected that the same way we mutually agreed to bond, if there was the need for either of us to go our separate ways, the respect and love we shared would allow us to at least be honest with each other. But whatever the circumstances were that surrounded his choice I had to come to a place of comfort and peace where I quit blaming myself. People do not always make decisions based on what is good for the other person, they put themselves first.
Grasping this revelation put me in a good place and I realized that the smartest way to handle the rejection, the betrayal and the disloyalty was to let go, forgive and move on. It was difficult at first because we tried to keep the link, but for me it was unhealthy, I could not deal with the excuses. He kept on saying that we needed to discuss what ever it was in person. I had no idea what difference it would have made as there was nothing that would have filled the hole that was left with in my heart. As much as we loved each other the best thing was for us to let go and cease all forms of communication. I never wanted to destroy what we had as it was beautiful. I don’t think I would have done anything differently. I guess it is unfortunate that life does give us some hard choices. I choose to believe that he was really caught between a rock and a hard place and his decision could not have been an easy one. It is unfortunate that when it comes to matters of the heart even the strongest man can chicken out.
Today I embrace the reason and a season motto, “not everyone I connect to is meant to be a part of my life forever as real as it may feel in the moment”. Life’s events have a way of turning things up side down or right side up in some instances. I choose to continue to grow staying positive in spite of, believing that every situation good or bad I am the only one that have the power to choose how it would affect me. I have some what mastered the art of “living in the moment”, the fear of rejection no long have a hold on me. I embrace the fact that feelings change and people change all the time therefore I am more selective as to who shares my space.
The fear of not being accepted can imprison a person; it causes one to do things they would normally not consider just so they could fit in and be a part of the crowd. In the end the only one who gets hurt is self.
Spending time alone with yourself is a great way to over come any kind of fear, develop an intimate relationship with you, learn who you are when you are alone, your likes, dislikes, what makes you tick. That way when someone comes into your life, it’s like ‘icing on the cake’. Ground yourself spiritually learn who you are in Christ, the real issues of life does not automatically disappear or get solved miraculously—well sometimes—depending upon your relationship, and your god-consciousness. Above all, wisdom would always guide you in the right direction.
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