The Importance of Trust in Close Relationships


Trust builds emotional security.
Trust builds emotional security.

Olivia J. Scott

Trust in romantic and intimate relationship gives a couple a sense of security, allowing them to rely on and be vulnerable to each other. It engenders acceptance, love, honesty, happiness, and commitment. These values are wrapped in the three dimensions of trust which allow couples to predict each other’s behavior, depend on, and have faith in each other, as found by, professors of psychology, John K. Rempel and others, in their study, Trust in Close Relationships.

It Helps You Predict Your Partner’s Behavior

When couples can predict each other’s behavior, they are better able to satisfy their curiosity about questions, such as, “Can I trust my partner to listen to me without judging; to love and respect me; and to be loyal and faithful?” “Will my partner be there for me if I’m in trouble or the future becomes uncertain?” It may take months or years to answer these questions with a confident, “yes,” but, surely, happy and successful marriages and relationships survive and thrive on trust and knowing what to expect, says, love and marriage experts, Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, in their post, The Foundation of Love and Trust.

You’re Okay Depending on Each Other

Reliance comes when the couple sees that statements and promises are carried out. Couples who are confident that the relationship is, by itself, treated as valuable by a partner who honors his or her words and promises are not afraid to (trust) depend on each other, writes, Rempel and his colleagues. By then, the relationship might have been tried and tested. Knowing what behaviors to expect and the fearlessness to depend promotes emotional security and a desire for deeper commitment. Inconsistent behaviors only destroy faith, which is a cornerstone of trust, and weakens emotional security says, psychologist, Richard Nicastro, in his publication, Secure Relationships: The Role of Emotional Safety.

It Gives Reassurance in Crises

Faith is believed to be the most important aspect of trust. When partners can predict each other’s behavior and depend on each other without doubt, their belief and confidence in each other and the relationship are strengthened. They feel confident to share their innermost feelings, knowing what is shared will be valued and treasured, writes, marriage and family therapist, Ashley McIlwain, in her article, Trust is a Must: Why Trust is Important in Relationships. The couple also feels emotionally secure and can easily put their doubts aside, in spite of conflicts and crises, with the reassurance that their partner will continue to be caring and supportive, whatever the future holds.

Motives and the Level of Trust

Using a Trust Scale in their study, Rempel and his colleagues found that the level of trust depends on how much a couple can predict, rely on, and have faith in each other. When a relationship is driven by external, self-serving motives, such as gaining social status or business connections, the level of love and trust is low, compared to when the relationship is valued and cherished, with or without the perks. If a partner realizes that the relationship is based on selfish gains, it lowers the level of trust, causing him or her to question whether the relationship will survive if the rewards are no longer there.

Copyright 2020

The Tragic Reality of Women Independence And The Struggle Between The Sexes


corporate mother

Olivia J. Scott, Senior Writer Woman to Woman Blog Talk

“Now, woman is confronted with the necessity of emancipating herself from emancipation, if she really desires to be free.”—Emma Goldman

Female independence, a coveted prize many women seek to possess, is nothing more than a tragedy. It has entrapped and isolated them more than it frees them. It has left them far more dissatisfied.

No doubt female independence has given women equality in the political, social, economic and legal systems, and far more freedom with decisions that affect their personal well-being. However, it has driven a wedge between men and women. It has pitted women against men, causing unnecessary antagonism between the sexes. It blurred, if not destroyed, defined roles and responsibilities of the sexes accepted by society from the beginning of time. It created another element, an agent, that destroys the first institution—the family. Independent women are less inclined to work to keep a failing relationship together, because, in their eyes, they don’t need the man around to make the clock tick. And they will tell you frankly they are not afraid to raise their children on their own, fashionizing’ single parenthood.

Perhaps, female independence has unintentionally created a new creature, who, as she continuously asserts her freedom, has removed herself from the reality of her own world. She now sets her own rules and abide by them on her own terms. “Let the rest of society suffer,” she says, “As long as I am free.”

As much as she relishes her freedom, the “I-can-do-all-by-myself” woman, is far less happy than when she was encumbered by a repressive political, legal, social, and cultural system. Now, instead of being truly liberated, independent women are struggling to free themselves from the shackles created by the very freedom they fought so bitterly for. The very men that women wanted to be independent against and “equal” to are turned off by the effects of female freedom.

From the lack of respect to the espousal to the notion that she can do all by herself, more and more men find it easier to leave women in their own arrogance and self-extolment. Men are further irked, and greatly disappointed that independent women no longer want to be feminine. They want to be the ones who assert control and wield the power. Preservation of sexual integrity is probably a thing of the past, as sexual freedom leads to a proliferation of “hookups” and casual sex (what the older generation calls “promiscuity), and lots and lots of short term and uncommitted relationships. The ability to exert sexual freedom gives her “girl power” and she believes she shouldn’t have to stick to one guy, whom she throws in the trash at the mere sign of him threatening her freedom.

The newly independent women no longer swear by the institution of marriage. Instead, they see it as a restrictive entity; one which will throw them back into the jaws of dependence, and loss or subjection of the identity they secured through freedom. If they do get married, their clamor to maintain their freedom often leads to the destruction of their matrimony.

These women no longer want to be mothers, let alone housewives. They show little or no emotions, and no longer believe in working things out for the sustenance of their relationships. They frown on chivalry and misconstrue a man’s generosity as a crafty tactic to win them over and steal their freedom. Now men are reluctant to help women who genuinely need their assistance.

After they’ve aged well into her 40’s and 50’s, they realize that as much as they attained social and economic progress, their lives are lacking. Lacking love, children, family, and a man. Then they begin to complain and assert that “there is no good man out there.” This double standard has caused men to further lose trust in women who blamed them for dependence and blame them for the results of their independence. But men are leaving independent women to dig themselves out of the hole they dug for themselves, as they struggle to free themselves from freedom.

As Goldman sums it up, “The demand for equal rights in every vocation of life is just and fair; but, after all, the most vital right is the right to love and be loved. Indeed, if partial emancipation is to become a complete and true emancipation of woman, it will have to do away with the ridiculous notion that to be loved, to be sweetheart and mother, is synonymous with being slave or subordinate.”

Read The Independent woman backlash and Why Some Men Chase After Independent women right here on Woman to Woman Blog Talk

  1. The Tragedy of Woman’s Emancipation, Emma Goldman’sAnarchism and Other Essays. Second Revised Edition. New York & London: Mother Earth Publishing Association, 1911. pp. 219-231. https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/goldman/works/1906/tragedy-women.htm

Copyright Woman to Woman Blog Talk 2015

Let’s hear your views! Comment below.

Taboo Questions and Things to Avoid on the First Date


We all want the “perfect” date but we do not always necessarily have the “perfect” conduct while out on dates. We can avoid certain pitfalls if we prime ourselves ahead of time. The caution to avoid the following questions and things go for both men and women, but some are either applicable to a man or a woman in given situations. Ladies and Men, it isn’t at all cool to ask or do the following, particularly on a first date.

Don’t Keep Poking the Woman to Tell You Her Age

Not literally poke, but keep reverting back to the question, “How old are you?” Really? Does her age matter that much? If she is good enough to be out and seen with, her age becomes a very secondary matter. Enjoy the evening. Focus on your chivalry skills instead and make her remember this first date.

Don’t Ask Your Date, “What Do You Do?” 

OMG! Most dreaded question, perhaps. It’s tacky and suggests that one of your primary interests in your date revolves heavily around the type of job he or she does. People are not always comfortable talking about their jobs, especially when they are out trying to relax and have a good time. They may have a great job but may not wish to talk about it. Asking the “What do you do?” question may suggest that you’re trying to assess a person’s income and their station in life. Allow your date to give the details of their job on their own.

What Kind of Car Do You Drive?

Why should you care what your date drives? We live in such a materialistic society that the top three most important things people are concerned about before they decide to meet with, date or get into a relationship with someone are: (1) What type of job they have, (2) what type of car they drive, and (3) If they own a home.

Men especially go at tremendous length to buy expensive cars and to maintain them, mostly to impress others. Some prefer to own an expensive ride rather than have a clean comfortable place to call home. Having material things is good, but asking about people’s possession can suggest that you’re trying to use it as a yardstick to determine whether they are worthy of your time.

Don’t Ask About Each Other’s Exes

A big show stopper is to try and dig into the person’s past relationship, doing so very boldly and without regard for possible sensitivities about asking questions about the relationship and why it ended. Really, what is the relevance? Is the nature of their past relationship a prerequisite for deciding whether or not you wish to continue dating this person? It may be okay to ask these questions later on, if you continue to date and end up in a relationship. But for the first date, nah. Taboo! Past relationships should be left where they are, in the past.

Picking Up the Tab

Unless the lady expressly offers to pay for the meals and drinks, guys, it’s yours. No, it’s not an obligation, it’s the gentlemanlike thing to do. I can hear you arguing with me, asking what if she was the one who asked or suggested you guys go on a date. On the first date, you want to be on your A-game. It doesn’t matter whose invitation it was. Don’t be a loser, showing up without money in your pocket, simply because it was at her invitation or idea. Don’t be a bigger loser by accidentally or deliberately forgetting your wallet at home.

Women are smart too. They will try some stunts to figure out how deep your pocket is. But gold diggers aside, treat your date like a lady, even if she behaved less than one. Make her feel special. She will respect your for that, and possibly pull herself together.

Bonus tip for the Guy: A good idea is to give the waiter/waitress your credit/debit card before you guys are seated. That way, you take care of that aspect, up front, and you guys don’t have to be sitting there, uneasy throughout the date, wondering if you will have to do the dishes. And hey guy, you can show off a bit and answer “Debit” when the waiter ask you if you want the payment made “debit or credit.” Just make sure you wouldn’t be going into overdraft!

Now when you’re done being a complete gentleman, do not turn around and delete all your points by asking your date to pay the waiter’s tip! Dummy!

Don’t Talk About Money for Shopping

That is so not cool. Even if you genuinely meant to do so, why would you want to take your date through that? It sends off a negative message. It sends of a bell, dang, dang, dang! Gold digger! He will know that 99 out of 100, you expect him to pay for your things. If your date wants to take you shopping, let him make the first move. Otherwise, stay off that course. It is even okay to politely turn down the offer, though you know you want those shoes and bags so bad! You will leave him betwixt and surely interested in coming at you again, because he will find it mysterious that you didn’t jump at the opportunity to put a hole in his pocket.

Meet at a Public Place

Does this need a thorough explanation? His house, your house, and the motel are off limits. Stay away! Why do you feel it’s necessary to go see his place? Guys are slick. They may remember they have to grab something from home they forgot, or may lure you by telling you they just want to pass by their neighborhood to show you where they live.

Once they get there, they may very well say, ”Do you want you come in for a minute, see what my place looks like?” Gals, quit being gullible, it’s all part of a strategic game—to get you laid. Same goes for you. Do not return to your own home or apartment, and of course, no motels, parking lots and no pulling over on isolated roads.

Truth be told, you can have a great time on your first date without derailing onto things you will kick yourself for after. There are a lot more other pertinent questions you can ask each other on a date, which would not cause the other person feel apprehensive or uncomfortable. Of course, if you’re trying to end the date quickly and have no intention of meeting up again, that’s a sure way of shooting yourself in the foot. Even then, you should strive to be as polite, generous, ladylike, chivalrous, and respectful as you can be, whether or not you are enjoying your date.

If you like the person you’re out with, there is no need to rush anything. Take your time, even with things you wish to find out about him or her. Going too fast will cheat you out of discovering that other person the way you should, in order for both of you to build respect for each other and build a meaningful friendship, before you take it on the ‘serious’ road.

You may also like Women: First Date Mess-ups

Copyright 2020

What Makes Her a Beautiful Woman?


Photo by Eben Odonkor on Pexels.com

By Olivia J. Scott

It is time to crush the rhetoric that beautiful means tall and skinny, with big boobs, or of a certain skin color, skin type, body shape or size. Beauty is beyond what meets the eye.

The way women view themselves and the way others view them is largely due to how they were socialized and what they see, read, and hear in the media. TV’s definition of beauty contributes to the false notion that anything less than light-skin, tall, skinny, and boobsielicious isn’t beauty at all.

Self-esteem also plays a significant role in you see yourself as a woman. With low or eroded self-esteem, there is a greater chance for women to be misled by social and media definitions of beauty. When a woman is completely confident about herself and knows who she is, despite her outward appearance, then, and only then, is she able to displace the fallacy that only certain types of women are beautiful.

Not only is good self-esteem essential, but it is also a part of a greater whole. That whole comprises self-concept—how we see ourselves, self-image—what picture we portray to others, and self-worth—how valued we feel, in spite of what others say about us.

You act and react base on your own image of self. Therefore, if you have poor self-esteem or do not know who you are (fixed self-concept), your sense of self-worth will also be lacking.

When we talk of feminine beauty, we should ask about things beyond her face and body. What about her intelligence, wittiness, or sexy shyness, her assertive confidence, sometimes…audaciousness, her charisma and ability to articulate, even under pressure? What about her innate qualities of strength and resilience, which help her rise to challenges, withstand chaos, or remain steadfast in conflict?

A truly beautiful woman is one who is wrapped in the essence of things intangible. For example, she is kind, loving, caring, considerate, nurturing, and selfless; she is smart and independent—she has a mind of her own. She is capable of putting her needs aside to ensure the needs of her spouse and children are met. But her unselfishness extends beyond those dear to her.

For some, a beautiful woman’s attributes are akin to the Proverbs 31 woman. Her hands are always at work, tending to the physical and emotional needs of her family. She toils and mends all day long, fixes broken things, nurses wounds, and cures conditions with her immeasurable love. She is graceful, gracious, and dignified, with a great sense of spirituality; she is wise, emotionally strong, and powerful, even with a gentle touch. She is virtuous. Fidelity is her home. Those, and synonymous traits, define the beauty of a woman.

So beauty is not determined by color, shape, or size. It is more than physical features, soft on the eyes as they may be. Instead, beauty is every woman in her individually unique state striving to be the best she can on any given day.

Let us rebut the beauty rhetoric and show all women that beauty is far more than skin deep. Regardless of what media and social norms makes you think or believe you are an incomparable diva! You’re beautiful!

Copyright 2020. All rights reserved

Questioning the Yin Yang


It has been said, since ancient times, for every yin, there is a yang, for every man—a woman, for every darkness—a light, for every wrong—a right. But is this true, do you believe it?

The concept of Yin Yang is rooted in Chinese philosophy. It is used to describe how polar or seemingly contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world, and how they give rise to each other in turn. Many natural dualities — e.g. dark and light, female and male, low and high, cold and hot — are thought of as manifestations of yin and yang. So in essence, “Yin yang are complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole, as part of a dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects,…”

The intention here is not to ramble incessantly about the philosophical aspect of yin yang but rather to transpose the concept into our day-to-day lives and, more specifically, male-female interactions. You may have heard the following expressions: “for every man there is a woman.” “Each of us has a soul mate.” Some believe in these assertions, especially those who have an affinity for natural love and affection, and good relations.

However, some questions to be asked of these complementary opposites are: Once they have connected are they inseparable? And if they do separate, does this mean that the yin had not really truly connected with the yang? And what about their forces, are they opposite but equal, or is there a dichotomy?

In male-female relationships, people tend to talk about finding or being with their soul mates. Having found their “soul mates,” some of these couples go on to being married or together for their entire lives thereafter—kind of like the happily-ever-after you read about in fairytale books or see on tv.

But there are others who don’t make it that far. However, they probably would have experienced one of the most pleasurable relationships of their life, leaving them to believe that they had indeed found their soul mate.

Because of this, a person may be shattered to find out that this experience is short lived while others may embrace it, going with the conclusion that to meet one’s soul mate is not to necessarily physically stay with them forever.

In other words, although yin and yang offers a view into the ‘perfect’ combination of two opposites fusing together to form a complementary whole, there are no guarantees that they will remain fused.

What we get from this is a reemphasis that nothing is absolute. Everything about human existence revolves around circumstances. Perhaps, there is more to embracing yin yang opportunities, whether they are relationship or non-relational aspects, than to hold to the mistaken belief that fusion is inseparable.

In terms of whether yin and yang forces are equal, unequal or dichotomous, we can look at the usual level of power and interaction between man and woman. The symbol of the yin yang shows two equal pieces, meshed together in what seems to be perfect unison.

One side is light and the other side dark. Does this automatically mean that when it comes to relationships one person wields more power than the other, simply by the color representation of yin and yang? Or is it because each piece is of equal proportion the suggestion of equality is obvious? These physical representations mean something, though it is based on our own individual perception and interpretation that we act accordingly.

However, when the yin yang philosophy is taken in the context of, for example, light and darkness, the automatic response may be that light is greater than darkness—like good over evil (another set of complementary opposites). Then there are the concepts of right and wrong. Is it true that there is a right for every wrong?

You must have seen many wrongs go unpunished. This does not necessarily mean that there is no right. What this latter observation shows is an anomaly in the yin yang theory. It shows that the complementary opposites are not necessarily closely and physically coexisting with each other, and can nonetheless be effective from separate places. Bet you never thought about that.

Bring up a picture of the yin yang symbol and take a closer look. What do you see? What is your first impression? What does the yin yang really say? And if you do believe in this ancient Chinese philosophy, let it be asked: have you found your YANG?

Copyright 2020. All rights reserved

As Perfect as a Perfectionist


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The greatest fear of perfectionists is to be flawed and their ultimate goal is perfection.”

There are a great many of us who don’t care much about whether Sunday falls on Monday, or ending up South when our intention was to go North. If Sunday fell on Monday, we take that as an extra day to stay at home and rejoice because it would be a shorter work week ahead. Or, if we ended up South when we should have arrived North, we calmly turn around and head for the other direction. Not so for perfectionists.

A perfectionist would be damned that things went awry and beat up on him or her self for not “doing it right.” And, he or she will try and try, relentlessly, to perfect their imperfection.

Perfectionism, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable.” (reference.com)

Being a perfectionist has both positive and negative underpinnings and, thus, these types of people have been grouped into two categories: (a) Perfectionist Striving and (b) Perfectionist Concern. Category A describes healthy perfectionism.

Procrastination, depression, low productivity, for example in the workplace, or, in relationships, unrealistic expectations, are amongst the common indicators of a unhealthy perfectionist personality. Perfectionists are also plagued by marked manifestation of anxiety, depression, and low-self esteem.

Perfectionists may be workaholics who cannot relax; people who reproach themselves for days after the smallest error, such as a word out of place; the person so intent on finding the perfect mate that they never settle down; the procrastinator; the finicky person; and so on. Perfectionists tend to be exceptionally sensitive to criticism.” (reference.com)

This is not to say that anyone who displays these traits is a perfectionist. We may do ourselves a great injustice if we run away judging people’s personality based in our non-expert perception of their thoughts and actions. In cases like these, a psychologist can better able make the diagnosis.

Perfectionism fuels drive, motivation, and perseverance. These traits lend to perfectionists’ ability to deal with discouragement and overcoming obstacles. They are usually meticulous, with an eye for the details necessary for scientific investigation, and more often than not are high-achievers. According to the Enneagram Personality Scale of 1-9, perfectionists are ONES.

One: Reformer, Critic, Perfectionist

I do everything the right way”. This type focuses on integrity. Ones can be wise, discerning and inspiring in their quest for the truth. They tend to dissociate themselves from their flaws, perceived or actual, and can be hypocritical and hyper-critical of others. The Ones greatest fear is to be flawed and their ultimate goal is perfection. Their “deadly sin” is anger and their “holy idea” is Holy Perfection.

If you are a perfectionist, you might be delighted to know of Famous Ones: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell, Confucius, and Ayn Rand.

It is believed that Michelangelo was successful in creating his many masterpieces because he was driven by perfectionism. If this is the case, perfectionism does have its upsides.

In a positive form, perfectionism can provide the driving energy which leads to great achievement. The meticulous attention to detail, necessary for scientific investigation, the commitment which pushes composers to keep working until the music realizes the glorious sounds playing in the imagination, and the persistence which keeps great artists at their easels until their creation matches their conception all result from perfectionism.” (Roedell, 1984).

Again, perfectionism can be good as long as it is type A, Perfectionist Striving. It is when the perfectionism affects daily living and becomes inimical to the person’s development and success, both personally and professionally, that it needs to be seriously addressed.

What rational behaviors are needed to overcome perfectionist tendencies? (livestrong.com)
To overcome perfectionism one needs to:

  • accept self as a human being
  • forgive self for mistakes or failings
  • put self back on the wagon immediately after falling off
  • accept that the ideal is only a guideline or goal to be worked toward, not to be achieved 100 percent
  • set realistic and flexible time frames for the achievement of a goal
  • develop a sense of patience and to reduce the need to “get it done yesterday”
  • be easier on oneself; setting unrealistic or unreasonable goals or deadlines sets you up for failure
  • recognize that the human condition is one of failings, weakness, deviations, imperfections and mistakes; it is acceptable to be human
  • recognize that one’s backsliding does not mean the end of the world; it is OK to pick oneself up and start all over again
  • develop an ability to use “thought stopping” techniques whenever you find yourself mentally scolding yourself for not being “good enough”
  • visualize reality as it will be for a human rather than for a super human
  • learn to accept yourself the way you are; let go of the ideas of how you should be
  • enjoy success and achievement with a healthy self-pride, and eliminate the need for self-deprecation or false humility
  • learn to enjoy success without the need to second guess your ability to sustain the achievement
  • reward yourself for your progress, to reinforce your efforts to change even when progress is slight or doesn’t meet up to your idealistic expectations
  • love yourself; to believe that you deserve good things
  • to eliminate unrealistic expectations and the idea that you are infallible
  • visualize yourself as “winning” even when it takes more energy, and more perseverance, than what you had planned
  • let go of rigid, moralistic judgments of your performance and to develop an open, compassionate understanding for the hard times, obstacles and temptations
  • be flexible in setting goals and be willing to reassess your plan from time to time to keep things realistic
  • be open to the idea that you will be successful in your efforts to change, even if you are not “first,” “the best,” “the model,” “the star pupil,” “the exemplar” or “the finest”
  • realize that the important thing is to be going in a positive direction

Are you a perfection freak that drive non-perfectionists crazy because you’re always paranoid about getting it right? Or are you a laid back, go-with-the-flow kind of person who doesn’t care about dotting your Is and crossing your Ts?

Loneliness and Lonely People


Loneliness can make you sad.
Loneliness can make you sad.

By Heal Recover Thrive

There must be a whole lot of lonely people in the world! And I’m not talking about single people, because being single does not necessarily mean being lonely. For the past 4-6 weeks, I have been observing what I’d like to call an “interesting phenomenon.” Not only do I wish to highlight this occurrence but also to attempt to figure out why it is happening. Mind you, my statements are based purely on observable facts.

When I look at my blog’s statistics, I am given a fixed set of information, including what search terms people used, mostly on GOOGLE, to find my website.  To my amazement, recently topping the charts is the term “LONELINESS.” You would not believe the amount of website traffic I have been getting on a daily basis from that one word being typed into the Google search bar.

At first, I thought to myself it was merely coincidental. Then after a week or so, I noticed the trend continued. Then many weeks passed and still, people are finding the site using the word “loneliness,” all because of an article once published under the subject line Loneliness and Poor Self-Esteem: Understanding the Connection.

So far, that one article alone, published less than 3 months ago, must have had over 500 visits and counting! It’s a good article though, I think. Sometimes, the site visit is even triggered by the search term “self-esteem”, or “loneliness and self-esteem”.

So here is my hypothesis. There must either be a lot of lonely people out there looking for information on loneliness, how it manifests, and how to deal with it. And/or, there are lots of people writing articles or stories on the topic “loneliness” or “loneliness” as some (incorrectly) spells it but nevertheless are pointed to this blog.

Whichever of the two, it signifies a single fact—that loneliness is real, a real fact of life! Some, if not all of us, have had this experience, this feeling, at some point in our lives. The good news is, you can shake it off, and quick!

Whether they are alone, lonely, alone, and lonely or simply looking for information on the subject, it’s always pleasing to know that this blog can assist in some way. And hey, the site’s articles have a good place amongst the millions of information that pops up when you do a search on Google.

You may also like,

Loneliness and Poor Self-Esteem: Understanding the Connection

Loneliness: Things You Should Know

Copyright, 2020 Heal Recover Thrive. All rights reserved. 

The Independent Woman Backlash


By Zoe Mendez (Guest Contributor)

The “Independent Woman”phenomenon has backfired, upsetting the ‘natural’ order of things.  It caused men to think that it is okay for them to forgo their responsibilities because the woman boasts herself as “Miss Independent,” can pay my own bills, buy my own car, own my own home. You name it, I can do it. I can even have my babies ‘without you.’ (even though the sperm donor is obviously a man).

 Destiny’s Child “Independent Woman” could have posssibly fuelled this phenomenon. The song re-emphasized the trending cliché “we don’t need men, we can do it ourselves.”

The shoes on my feet, I’ve bought it
The clothes I’m wearing, I’ve bought it
The rock I’m rockin’, I’ve bought it
‘Cause I depend on me

If I wanted the watch you’re wearin’, I’ll buy it
The house I live in, I’ve bought it
The car I’m driving, I’ve bought it
I depend on me, I depend on me

Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking or discouraging women’s independence, I support it 100%. Why? Because for decades, women made the necessary sacrifices and worked very hard to get on top of their game and stay there—quite deservedly so.

But here are some of my issues with the miss independent ‘thing’. While I am for the whole independent woman idea, I am still sort of locked into the old fashion way of things. I believe it is a man’s responsibility to take care of his woman as if she is his queen. I am not saying  a woman should not lift a finger to help out when needed or do things for herself.

Women were created as man’s help mate. Some of us have also taken up the role of both genders for so long that we no longer know any other way. However, we’ve become so caught up with our status in the corporate world that we forget at home we need to take it down, be feminine and allow the man to be the man.

In some instances, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, and co-workers are consulted for almost everything in our lives. But when it comes to our man, we dishonor him by excluding him from important decisions. Believe me, this practice is not conducive for promoting healthy relationships.

Men like to know that they are our heroes. They feel good when we are somewhat dependent on them, irrespective of who we are outside the home. We have to be more conscious of the super woman cape that so many of us are clad in. Don’t wait until you are knee deep in crap before you reach out for help from your partner. Extend the same courtesy you would want for yourself to the one you are committed to.

I remember speaking to one of my male friends who was at the time separated from his wife (not because he didn’t love her anymore). His role was actually suppressed by her attitude, simply because she was the one bringing home a fatter paycheck.

I remember the tone of disgust in which he spoke when he said, “for some women marriage seem to be another thing to accomplish, they attended the perfect school, got perfect grades, went to University, came out with degrees, landed the perfect job, got married, got the perfect house and car, had a baby or babies. The husband then becomes another accomplishment or show piece for family and friends. Then what really is the man’s purpose?

Most of the men I know are very supportive of their woman being on top of her game (well, the ones who are not insecure) providing of course there is mutual respect. I don’t see anything wrong with being submissive to your partner in the home, as it has its rewards—a more peaceful and supportive environment for starters. 

It takes a real woman, a conscious woman, to be able to switch between the two portfolios. Maybe, I am living in a fairy tale world. However, I do believe it is possible to be the strong leader you are required to be on the work front and still be laid back at home. It does not have to be a “yes dear,” “no dear” scenario, you know what I mean.  

At the end of a tough day, both parties should be happy to run to their sanctuary—home. It takes work from both of you to create this and, in most instances, women are the ones that set the pace for their relationships. Hence the reason why I believe it is very important that women should be clear about their roles individually as well as in their relationship.

My hope is that it is not too late for us to check ourselves and make a few adjustments.

I remember not so long ago, the men that I have been around would never entertain the thought of asking a woman for money. It was his greatest honour to take care of his woman no matter what she did or how much money she made. Now, they flip the script right in our face and who is to blame? Us, we women. An irritating practice that raised its ugly head is this: Guys now expect us to pay for their cab, air fare to come and visit us, provide and or pay for their accommodation, pay for their gas, put credit on their phone, pay for dinner.

When they visit our home they help themselves to everything there, no shame in their face. Because we wear the cap of “Independent Woman,” they come around assuming we don’t need anything, so they don’t bring anything to the table. Instead, they come to take from the much we claim to have. What a backlash! Then we curse them out and call them ‘low-life.’

I can’t forget to mention the ‘sugar-mommies’. Their targets? Younger men! While some of these ‘sugar-mommies’ have managed to find true love, others are slaves to such relationships. They have to keep belching out large sums of cash, designer clothing and other expensive gifts in order to keep these guys around. In the end, they lose hard-earned money along with their self-respect and integrity, securing for themselves nothing but disrespect.

I am not saying it is not okay to shower your man with well deserved gifts of appreciation. But since when is it okay for a man to rock back while the woman he is supposedly in love with or care about has to pay her way to his heart?  I believe it is time for women to draw the line. Not because we can afford a certain life style we should also have to pay for some one to love us or be around us. Then again, we created this monster!

And if you are in an authentic relationship with someone you love and care about and you hold a better position on your job, your partner should not be made to feel inferior by your input. Find the balance you need to maintain your worth and give respect where due. Keep the “Miss Independent” thingy for when you’re outside of the home or hanging with your girls.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE “Why Some Men Chase After Independent Women” Click link below

The ‘Independent Woman’ Backlash


independent woman

Zoe Mendez (Guest Contributor)

The “Independent Woman” phenomenon has backfired, upsetting the ‘natural’ order of things.  It caused men to think that it is okay for them to forgo their responsibilities because the woman boasts herself as “Miss Independent,” can pay my own bills, buy my own car, own my own home. You name it, I can do it. I can even have my babies ‘without you.’ (even though the sperm donor is obviously a man).

 Destiny’s Child “Independent Woman” could have possibly fueled this phenomenon. The song re-emphasized the trending cliché “we don’t need men, we can do it ourselves.”

The shoes on my feet, I’ve bought it
The clothes I’m wearing, I’ve bought it
The rock I’m rockin’, I’ve bought it
‘Cause I depend on me

If I wanted the watch you’re wearin’, I’ll buy it
The house I live in, I’ve bought it
The car I’m driving, I’ve bought it
I depend on me, I depend on me

Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking or discouraging women’s independence, I support it 100%. Why? Because for decades, women made the necessary sacrifices and worked very hard to get on top of their game and stay there—quite deservedly so.

But here are some of my issues with the miss independent ‘thing’. While I am for the whole independent woman idea, I am still sort of locked into the old fashion way of things. I believe it is a man’s responsibility to take care of his woman as if she is his queen. I am not saying  a woman should not lift a finger to help out when needed or do things for herself.

Women were created as man’s help mate. Some of us have also taken up the role of both genders for so long that we no longer know any other way. However, we’ve become so caught up with our status in the corporate world that we forget at home we need to take it down, be feminine and allow the man to be the man.

In some instances, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, and co-workers are consulted for almost everything in our lives. But when it comes to our man, we dishonor him by excluding him from important decisions. Believe me, this practice is not conducive for promoting healthy relationships.

Men like to know that they are our heroes. They feel good when we are somewhat dependent on them, irrespective of who we are outside the home. We have to be more conscious of the super woman cape that so many of us are clad in. Don’t wait until you are knee deep in crap before you reach out for help from your partner. Extend the same courtesy you would want for yourself to the one you are committed to.

I remember speaking to one of my male friends who was at the time separated from his wife (not because he didn’t love her anymore). His role was actually suppressed by her attitude, simply because she was the one bringing home a fatter paycheck.

I remember the tone of disgust in which he spoke when he said, “for some women marriage seem to be another thing to accomplish, they attended the perfect school, got perfect grades, went to University, came out with degrees, landed the perfect job, got married, got the perfect house and car, had a baby or babies. The husband then becomes another accomplishment or show piece for family and friends. Then what really is the man’s purpose?

Most of the men I know are very supportive of their woman being on top of her game (well, the ones who are not insecure) providing of course there is mutual respect. I don’t see anything wrong with being submissive to your partner in the home, as it has its rewards—a more peaceful and supportive environment for starters.  It takes a real woman, a conscious woman, to be able to switch between the two portfolios. Maybe, I am living in a fairy tale world.

However, I do believe it is possible to be the strong leader you are required to be on the work front and still be laid back at home. It does not have to be a “yes dear,” “no dear” scenario, you know what I mean.  At the end of a tough day, both parties should be happy to run to their sanctuary—home. It takes work from both of you to create this and, in most instances, women are the ones that set the pace for their relationships. Hence the reason why I believe it is very important that women should be clear about their roles individually as well as in their relationship.

My hope is that it is not too late for us to check ourselves and make a few adjustments.

I remember not so long ago, the men that I have been around would never entertain the thought of asking a woman for money. It was his greatest honor to take care of his woman no matter what she did or how much money she made. Now, they flip the script right in our face and who is to blame? Us, we women. An irritating practice that raised its ugly head is this: Guys now expect us to pay for their cab, air fare to come and visit us, provide and or pay for their accommodation, pay for their gas, put credit on their phone, pay for dinner.

When they visit our home they help themselves to everything there, no shame in their face. Because we wear the cap of “Independent Woman,” they come around assuming we don’t need anything, so they don’t bring anything to the table. Instead, they come to take from the much we claim to have. What a backlash! Then we curse them out and call them ‘low-life.’

I can’t forget to mention the ‘sugar-mommies’. Their targets? Younger men! While some of these ‘sugar-mommies’ have managed to find true love, others are slaves to such relationships. They have to keep belching out large sums of cash, designer clothing and other expensive gifts in order to keep these guys around. In the end, they lose hard-earned money along with their self-respect and integrity, securing for themselves nothing but disrespect.

I am not saying it is not okay to shower your man with well deserved gifts of appreciation. But since when is it okay for a man to rock back while the woman he is supposedly in love with or care about has to pay her way to his heart?  I believe it is time for women to draw the line. Not because we can afford a certain life style we should also have to pay for some one to love us or be around us. Then again, we created this monster!

And if you are in an authentic relationship with someone you love and care about and you hold a better position on your job, your partner should not be made to feel inferior by your input. Find the balance you need to maintain your worth and give respect where due. Keep the “Miss Independent” thingy for when you’re outside of the home or hanging with your girls.

You may also like Why Some Men Chase After Independent Women

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